My year in review.

So... as much as 2016 was largely pretty terrible for the planet, this country, and celebrity deaths in particular... Overall my year was actually pretty much the best I've had in the last two decades.

While I didn't actually leave NJ till March, I actually made the announcement(to the few people I actually told) that I was moving exactly a year ago this week. So this seemed like a good time to check back in.

(I wrote this blog while listening to the 40th anniversary edition of 2112, and this song seemed pretty relevant, so I decided to include it.)

--- --- ---

When last I updated the blog, I had just started a new job and I was pretty excited about it.

That excitement didn't last long once I was done with training. The job paid really well, but it wasn't worth the 12-14 hour days and unrelenting stress, so I quit and moved on after a few months.

Ever read/see "Death of a Salesman"? Yeah, it was a lot like that...

Regardless, the job paid really well, so I was able to take my time finding the right job for me the next time 'round. I've been at my current job for almost two months and I really love it. It's not a non-profit like I was looking for, but I still get to help people and I essentially get paid to solve puzzles all day long. It's great! I'll save the details till I've been there longer, but I work adjacent to healthcare now.

The commute is about two minutes longer, and the pay isn't as high, but I'm actually excited to go to work every day. I've never had a job like that before; it's awesome.

But that's just work, what about the rest of my life?

--- --- ---

When I left NJ I was depressed. I was miserable, and had been for years. Now? I'm happier than I've been since childhood. Things aren't perfect, of course, and I don't expect them to be, but I'm finally happy.

I've made a lot of good friends down here in various arenas. I'm gaming again, I've karaoke'd a few times, and I've experienced all kinds of exciting new things I never thought I'd try.

I finally got my ears pierced.

I started reading again.

I grew a big Santa beard.

I came out.

I lost some weight.

I experienced Christmas in a T-shirt because it was in the 70s that day in Austin.

My cleric is about to hit level 7.

It's all really exciting stuff... for me anyway... :P

So what's next?

--- --- ---

2017 will, hopefully, find me continuing on the same trajectory I've been on for the last year.

I want to continue to lose weight and read. I want to learn more and more at the new job and really make my mark there. I want to start saving money like an actual adult.

And I want to visit my old friends back in Jersey.

In mid-May my baby sister Courtney is getting married. I'll be back in town for about a week and I want to see as many of you as I can while I'm there. So leave a spot in your busy calendars to pencil me in, please. ^_^

Anyway, it's New Year's Eve, and I have some celebrating to do.

Here's to the year that was, and hopefully we can all share in an awesome 2017!

-Jordan

Back to Work!

Let's get this out of the way right up front: I got a job. A good job too! But more on that later, I've got about two weeks of my life to catch you up on first!

--- --- ---

Thanks for all the nice comments about my book proposal last blog post. I spent quite a bit of time last week working on the first act and I'm happy with the results so far.

For Easter weekend my housemate invited me to join their family for dinner since I had no place to go. I agreed and had a lovely time.

We drove about an hour from the apartment on a roller-coaster of roadways throughout the mountains up to Lake Travis(Austin is in Travis County). Thankfully I don't get motion sickness generally, because if I did this particular trip could have gotten messy. My ears haven't popped so much in a 24 hour period since the last time I took a ride on an airplane.

Lake Travis is where Austin gets most of its water. Last year, due to drought, they were down to somewhere around 10% on the Lake, but we've had a lot of rain recently and I got a chance to see it full to the brim.

Much of the rest of the week was spend applying to, and interviewing for, jobs in various industries around Austin.

I'm happy to be able to say that as of the time of this posting, my search for a job is over! I actually could have posted about this yesterday, but I didn't want to deal with any question as to whether this was a weird April Fools joke...

I'll keep the detail close to the vest for now, but here's what I will say.
1. While the job is not in the non-profit sphere, it will still allow me to help people in a very real way, which is great.
2. It's less than a 10 minute commute.
3. It's not an industry I have much prior experience with directly, but my Juris Doctorate was a real plus when it came to securing the position.
4. My skill-set is pretty much a perfect match for the what they were looking for.
5. I'll still have ample time for volunteer work and my writing.
6. The price was right.

I'm currently working on getting all of the proper certification and licensing under my belt, but I'll start working very soon.

So with that said, I need to get back to my studies. I'll leave you with another picture from Lake Travis over Easter weekend.

(The sunset represents the end of my unemployment... or something.)

In the Meantime...

It's a brand new week! For those of you in the northeast dealing with snow, please know that Austin's high tomorrow is 77. I win. :)

--- --- ---
As of this moment I'm still searching for longterm employment in a field I can be proud of. I've got several interesting leads, and dozens of applications floating out in the employment aether, but nothing concrete yet.

But that's not what I want to write about today. Today I want to write about... writing...

You see, there're only so many hours in a row I can fill out applications before I get a little stir crazy. When that level of boredom begins to rear its head, I know it's time for me to take a detour and focus on my writing.

Now, depending on who you are, you probably haven't ready anything I've written, aside from this blog or a random status update.

It's not like you've ever had a chance to, not unless you happened to be in an English or Writing class with me at some point in the past, or if you'd seen me perform in a Mock Trial competition over a decade ago.

Other than those outlets though, most of my writing has remained private over the years; certainly anything that could be considered "creative writing".

So, what exactly is it that I write about? What is it that drives me as a writer?

Well as a reader/viewer/listener/player, I know exactly what that is. I loves stories about stories. I love stories about other topics as well, but in my upper echelon of favorites I can almost always trace them back to that central theme.

"The Unwritten" is about how fiction has changed the course of real world events throughout history.
"Watchmen" is about a lie meant to save the world.
"Big Fish" is about the way we communicate our own stories to each other.
"Bioshock Infinite" is about the stories/lies we'll tell ourselves to move past our internal problems.

Stories about stories; about the power they can have over the human psyche; have always interested me.

But is that what I want to write?

I've been working on a number of stories(a book, a film script, a comicbook, and a film short, among a few other smaller ideas), and I've started to notice a central theme about them. Something that, perhaps unsurprisingly, relates to my own story for the last few months.

Breaking points.

Everything I'm currently writing examines the point in a human's life where they simply can't take it anymore and make a drastic change.

Now, you may be thinking: "of course you're writing about breaking points/drastic changes: you just went through that yourself!", and you're not wrong.

However, I've been working on some of these stories for years, so if anything they may have been ways for me to work through my issues before I was even able to confront them head on.

Let's take a look at one of the main projects I've been working on: the book.

Warning! Things are about to get nerdy! Please keep your pocket protectors and slide-rulers inside the compartment at all times!

--- --- ---
We all have things in our past that we're not proud of. Things we'd like to change. Some of them are little and some are monumental. Some are our own faults and others we had no way of preventing.

We have those things as individuals, and we have those things as a species.

But what if we could go back and change them?

"You mean a time-travel story?
Well... kind of...

"You realize that time-travel has been done to death, right?"
Not this story; I'm pretty sure that this story has never been done before.

"You realize you're a huge nerd, right?"
Yes, but that's not the point; can I get back to my blog!?

"Fine, sure, whatever... nerd."
<_<

Anyway...

So what would be different about this particular story?

Okay, so, even if you're not as big of a nerd as I am, you're probably at least somewhat familiar with the concept of a "paradox". Time-travel is full of them: things that, logically, shouldn't be able to work.

1. Bad thing "A" happens.
2. You spend 10 years developing time-travel to go back and stop "A".
3. You go back in time.
4. You stop "A"
5. "A" doesn't happen.
5. So you never develop time-travel.
6. So you never go back in time.
7. So you never stop "A".
8. Return to "1"; repeat forever.

Under that model of time-travel, you're stuck in a loop forever. You can never leave. You can never change the past.

And I've seen/read/experienced a ton of time-travel stories that handwave that point, or just ignore it, or, in a few cases, find creative solutions to get around it and/or use the science to their advantage.

I want to be part of the later category.

So let's put paradox to the side for a moment and talk some string theory!(I warned you about this getting nerdy, you really have no excuse). Specifically parallel universes.

On our Earth, you had cereal for breakfast. On Earth B, you had waffles. On Earth C you're a fish and ate some algae. String theory is weird.

So, long story long, my book is focusing on fusing the two ideas to allow for time-travel, but also following the rules of paradox to focus on the ramifications it would have on the protagonist.

So what's the story?

Okay, so think about those things you'd like to change in the past. Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Trump(hi readers from the future!), etc.

What if you could change the past, just not your own? What if you could prevent the Holocaust, but only on Earth B?

You wouldn't be able to live on that world. You wouldn't be able to reap the benefits. The only thing you could do was rest assured that you were helping create a better future for an alternate version of yourself... a version you could never meet.

That's the story I want to tell. The story of a person who changes the past, but has to live in their own unchanged and broken present. A person who can prevent genocide, but also has to live with it.

What is that person's breaking point? At what point does it stop being "worth it" for them? What kind of tragedy can that person live with in their own lives, knowing that on the other side of an interdimensional barrier is another version of them who will never have to experience that loss; that pain? And once they reach that breaking point: what do they do next?

Does this seem like something that would interest you as a reader?

I haven't decided yet, but as I move farther along in the writing process, I may begin to post chapters, either here or on another blog created specifically for that purpose. Input would be welcome.

So yeah, that's what I've been working on when not applying for jobs, and if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to it...

(No, I didn't write this to the Doctor Who soundtrack; it was the Airwolf theme actually).

Making Strides

First off, let me thank everyone for the overwhelmingly positive response to my last post. It was a big moment for me and your reactions really meant a lot.

Anyway, I've been pretty quiet for the last few days as I took care of a bunch of stuff here in TX.

1. I managed to get a sunburn; in March; on just my elbow...  

On the bright side(pun unintended) it's probably the least painful sunburn I've ever had, so it's got that going for it. Turns out sitting in your car for a few hours browsing job postings can be hazardous to your left elbow's health.

Speaking of jobs...

2. I've been applying for a ton of jobs in just about every sector. 

Over the last two or three days I've been focusing on non-profits, and let me tell you: after spending 8-12 hours applying to NPOs, even reading a listing at a traditional business just feels icky.

You know what tends to be really nice about job-listings for an NPO?

THEY TELL YOU WHAT YOU WOULD BE DOING AS PART OF THE JOB.

I've wasted more time trying to understand what BusniCorp's latest job posting is even FOR than I have actually spent applying to them.

Yes, I understand that you want "self-motivated individuals to find creative solutions for building relationships with brand awareness actualizers in competitive markets and emerging growth pattern environs".

I get that, I really do.

What that doesn't tell me, however, is:
What I would be doing on a daily basis.
What my performance would be based on.
What department I would be in.
What your company actually does(seriously, the number of job postings I've read where not only is this not clear, but the company's name isn't even listed for me to google that on my own is STAGGERING).

NPOs on the other hand? (generally speaking of course)
"We're looking for someone to help screen AIDs patients in low-income environments for public assistance eligibility."
"We're looking for someone to help raise funds in the community for the local food bank."
"We're looking for someone to assist in the writing of grant proposals to help children rescued from abusive households".

It's just so much more straight-forward, and I really appreciate that.

Now of course, I'm applying for writing, acting, voiceover, and other entertainment jobs as well, but I recognize that bills need to be paid on a constant basis, be it at BusniCorp, an NPO, or McDondalds, so I'm casting a wide net.

Speaking of paying bills...

3. I officially have an apartment!

It's nothing too fancy, but the price was cheap and the location will work just fine for me, so I'm happy.

The simple fact that I can write this blog entry on my laptop, and not on my phone(like almost every other entry so far) makes me VERY happy.

Now I just need to get a way more comfortable chair...

(I had the option of a silver key or this Longhorns key. I went Longhorns so I could tell my keys apart. If you hate the Longhorns, great. If you love the Longhorns, great. I seriously don't care. It's a key; as long as it works in the lock I will be happy.)

Stepping Out.

AKA, "Fresh Outta Jersey: Straight Outta [the] Closet."

--- --- ---

Is there anything in your life that you're really good at, but hate doing?

Math comes very effortlessly to me(until I get to Calculus level math anyway) but I've always hated doing it. Maybe you have something like that in your life too, or maybe I'm just weird.

There's another thing I'm really good at, but hate doing.

Lying.

--- --- ---
I can look you in the eyes and boldface lie. I can misdirect you with double-talk and non-answers. I can convince you to believe just about anything with a confident tone and and the right posture.

That would have been a great skill for a trial attorney(used ethically, of course).

That will be a great boon as an actor/writer.

But it's a terrible thing in my personal life. It's not a part of me that I'm proud of.

It's something that stops now.

--- --- ---
My name is Jordan, and I am bisexual.

I lied to my family about it. I lied to my friends about it. I've lied to you about it. Hell, I even lied to myself about it for years.

And I am so sorry about that. Please forgive me.

It's something that is REALLY easy to lie about. It's just a lie of omission; barely even counts, right?

For many years I essentially had to lie. I was heavily involved in the church, most of my friends were religious, I did a lot of work with the homeschooling community, etc. that doesn't make it right, but for my own wellbeing it was something I needed to do.

But that hasn't been the case for a long while now. I left the church a decade ago. I haven't worked much with the homeschool community in a few years.

--- --- ---
So why did I keep lying?

There were two main reasons. 1. I was selfish. 2. To protect my family from any possible backlash.

I want to be liked. Always have; always will. I worry about how other people perceive me. That's fairly normal, I recognize that. I spend a LOT of time avoiding stepping on other people's toes.

You'll accept me more if you think I'm a good little Christian boy? Done. You want me to lead the group in prayer? Sure. Teach Sunday school? Ok. You'll think I'm a better person if I constantly censor my language? No problem. You have insane political opinions and keep telling me about them? I'll hold my tongue.

Any part of me that doesn't fit into your own particular view of what I should be? I'll make sure you don't even know it exists for me In the first place.

--- --- ---
For many of you, me coming out will be no big deal at all. For others... Well, you've probably stopped reading already...

I might not be part of "that" world that's going to have a problem with my sexuality any more, but my family is...

I didn't feel like it was right for me to invite any thrown stones when l was still living with my family. No need for any of them to have to deal with the deplorable behavior of others on my account.

Im sure they will still be forced to have a few uncomfortable conversations because of this post, but at a certain point, I can't live a lie forever just because certain people might take this news badly.

And if that person is you. If somehow, you're up-in-arms about learning that I'm bi, but are still reading for some reason: leave my family out of it. They have nothing to do with this(besides providing my genes, of course). You want to be an awful person about this? Direct it my way. I'm not lying any more, and I'll be more than happy to tell you exactly what I think of your sentiment to your face.

But let's back up here for a minute. I'm not here to be angry at possible behavior by hypothetical people. I'm here to tell a story.

--- --- ---
I've always known. Or for at least as long as I've been aware of myself, I've known. It was incredibly confusing. I lied to myself about it for a really long time, but I knew.

You see, here's the thing, if you're a little gay kid growing up in the church, it sucks on just about every level. You're constantly taught how evil you are. How sinful a huge part of your brain is. You grow up having to lie to yourself and everyone around you for fear of being cut off from everything and everyone you know.

You're taught that it's a choice you're making. That you are straight, and that the devil is tricking you into acting otherwise.

That's horrible. It horrible because the people saying it [wrongly] believe that it's the truth and that they are only operating out of love. It's horrible because the kid hearing it now believes that they're broken somehow internally. That their brain is lying to them. That God will cast them out if they can't manage to fix a problem that doesn't exist in the first place. They know they're not straight, but every person around them, every person with decades of life experience, every person who they can go to with questions, is telling them that they're just flat out wrong about themselves. That they are crazy.

My heart goes out to every gay kid who is going through this right now.

--- --- ---
But Jordan, I thought you said you were bi, not gay?

Correct, and let me tell you, that made things even more confusing.

Because you know what every gay kid has that I didn't? They know they're not attracted to the opposite gender. Now, that creates its own set of problems, I'm sure, particularly when it comes to the fear of being crazy, but at least deep down they have a good chance of recognizing that the people telling them these things might simply be wrong. I'm not saying I had it worse, not by a long shot, but at least, hopefully, they could look down deep into themselves and know that there was a complete disconnect between the truth of their own physiology and the lies they were being told by other people. Hopefully they had a chance to understand who they were early, even if they still had to hide it.

I was not in that position.

I knew I liked girls. So no problem, right? And since young me knew that I liked girls, then that meant that the church was probably right. Sure, I liked guys too, but that was just the big bad devil messing with me. This simply must be how it is for everyone, right?

Everyone is straight, and some people just "choose" to let the devil tempt them, right? It was true for me, therefore, it must be true for everyone else, right?

--- --- ---
I could write many, many, paragraphs on the very simple reasons that viewing sexuality as a choice doesn't make the slightest bit of sense when looked at logically, biologically, sociologically, etc. but that's not my goal here today.

That incredibly stupid mindset, that it was a choice, screwed me up for years.

It screwed up how I treated members of the LGBTQ community. It screwed up how I thought about myself. It screwed up how I behaved politically.

And even after I grew up and left the church behind, even after I stopped lying to myself about who I was, that feeling of "wrongness" instilled in me from an early age stuck around. I was wrong, I was bad, I was evil, I was crazy. I was broken. Catholic guilt for a non-Catholic.

That fueled depression and self-hatred for years. It was awful. It only got worse as I got older.

I left that depression in NJ. I left that self-hatred in NJ. I'm leaving those lies in NJ too.

My life from now on will be loved honestly, as me. It took 28 years, but I'm finally ready to be myself.

--- --- ---
If you read all of this, thank you. It felt really good to finally get this off my chest.

If you're one of the handful of people who already knew, thanks for helping me get to the point where I can be comfortable with who I am enough to post this.

If you're one of my many LGBTQ friends, I'm sorry if I ever treated you in any way less than awesomely because of my own issues.

If you're one of the people I ever lied to about myself, implicitly or explicitly, I'm sorry.

If you read all of this and still don't get it, think I'm sinful, think I'm wrong, I'm sorry. Don't pray for me, pray for yourself.

If you're reading this and you're in the closet yourself, I'm sorry. Please reach out to me, I'd love to help you in any way I can.

-Jordan

Phase Two!

Sorry for the longer than usual break in updates, I've had a busy couple of days.

Now I know that I said that Sunday was going to be my "one day of leisure" before kicking things into high gear, but it's important that you understand that I take my "leisure" very seriously. It means doing nothing. Seriously, the most I "did" on Sunday night was drive down the street to sample In & Out Burger(Double Double, Animal Style, for those of you wondering) and then returning to the hotel for a long night of nothing but sleeping. I didn't even end up getting a continental breakfast, I opted to sleep in instead.

Monday, however was a very different story, even though the average person might also consider it "leisure".

First off I took care of some big-boy business and bought myself a gym membership. I'm not just going to be bettering my career path on this journey, I'm going to be bettering everything else about my life as well.

The rest of the night/next morning was spent exploring the actual city of Austin and checking out the nightlife. Well... the Monday night version of their nightlife, but it was still a lot of fun.

After securing parking, my first stop in the city was an artisan hot dog/sausage restaurant called "Frank". Now, as it stands, I'm not much of a hot dog or sausage fan. I don't dislike them, I just rarely choose them when there are other options. However, when passing in front of "Frank", my eye was caught by the first special on the menu: the Jackalope. I read over the copy a few times before determining that I had no idea what this particular food item was going to taste like, and I really needed to find out.

So how was it? It was glorious; spicy, sweet, and savory all at once. Between that and the fries(that was a small order by the way) I was stuffed for hours. The orange soda was also quite good; very light and sweet.

I asked the bartender where I should venture next to get a feel for the city. He suggested the dive bar "The White Horse" on their other side of Rt 35. A quick glance at my GPS told me that this would take me about 7 minutes so I started walking.

Turns out, when you're in a city, and walking, you need to change your trip settings from "the little picture of a car" to "the little picture of a shoe", otherwise you'll end up doing what I did and walk for about 45 minutes through the bad part of town. Granted, it was still a lot better than say: Camden, a city I'm very familiar with, but it was still not the short, pleasant, walk I was expecting.

The White Horse was the quintessential dive bar. Poorly lit, sparsely furnished, and cheap: very cheap. I ended up sampling two cans of Lone Star(which was about the quality you might expect). It might have been better on another night of the week, but on this particular Monday it was dead. Once I finished my beers(matched with waters, don't worry mom) I took a cab back to the other side of Austin. By this time it was dark out and I didn't feel like chancing the walk... Or walking in general...

I explored a bit before settling on "Halcyon" as my next port of call. Halcyon is a gorgeous little coffee bar/bar/lounge. I was feeling a little beleaguered from my travels, so I opted for a simple cup of coffee. A half hour later, I decided that my body could easily handle more caffeine and I ordered a second cup. They weren't anything fancy(although there were many more creative options on the menu) but they were exactly what I needed at the moment.

I spent another hour or so chatting up the bartenders and patrons before deciding it was time to check out what food they had available(I believe this was about 30 seconds after the bar began to smell strongly of cotton candy from the make-your-own s'mores a few tables over).

The Hawaian Ham Sliders seemed like the right course of action for me to pursue, so I ordered them, a shot of Jameson, and a glass of water. The sliders were a tad less pineappley and a tad spicier than I expected, but I rather enjoyed them regardless.

Austin has a great gay bar scene, so I spent another hour or so at Halcyon before deciding it was time to check one of them out. I asked the bartender which gay bars he recommended, but his suggestion involved quite a bit more walking, and at that point I had about two gallons of liquid in my belly (mostly water and coffee) and decided to ignore his prefered locations. Instead, I went to "Rain" which was across the street.

Rain is your stereotypical gay club. Bright, loud, dance floor in the center, etc. If you look up "gay bar" in the dictionary, a picture of Rain probably parallels the paragraph.

And I had an awesome time there.

Monday night at Rain was a good ol' fashioned drag show. Drag queens, drag kings, the whole shebang. Now, Drag isn't really my thing. I don't dislike it, I just don't really "get" it. That said, though, seeing it live made me appreciate it a whole lot more. It was a really fun time and a highly energetic show. The winner of the drag king competition was super convincing, BTW. "He" totally deserved the win.

After the show I decided it was time to head off to bed. I still had a bit of energy, however, so I ended up back at the gym(24 hours; yay!) and rode a stationary bike for a half hour, or so, before bringing the night/morning to a close.

Today has been a very different type of day. No exploring. No city. No artisan foods. Instead I've been focusing on the job and apartments hunts. I'll keep that all vague for now until I have something more concrete.

Next? Who knows?! I'm excited to find out too!

Arrival

I'm officially in Austin, TX!

My exciting story for the day is: well... A whole lot of nothing so far, but as far as I'm concerned, that's a good thing.

Today was a day of being an adult and making adult decisions, you see. On my way into Austin I rented a storage unit to lower the risk of my car getting broken into as I explore the city over the next few days. It would really suck to have this whole adventure cut short because I had all my eggs in one basket with breakable windows.

I spent a couple hours at the storage facility sorting through my stuff. What I need at my fingertips at any given time stayed, the rest will be staying out for a while until I get settled.

Then I got my first ever hotel room. I mean I've been to hotels before, I'm not a hermit, but it was always with family and such on trips where it wasn't my wallet doing the heavy lifting.

This is the first time that I, as an "adult", purchased a stay at a hotel. It's not particularly exciting, I know, but it's a new experience for me. I'd say it was the "first of many", but let's be real, I just drove 1,750 miles. The hotel room is like the "14th of many" in this week alone.

So I've just taken a long, and much needed, shower and am relaxing in the air conditioning of an Austin hotel room.

I might go out later for some food, I might not. I haven't decided yet. This is my one night of leisure before things get kicked into high gear tomorrow. All I know is that I'm going to get a good night's sleep in a real bed and a continental breakfast in the morning.

Tommorow begins phase two.

(I didn't really take any pictures today, so this one is from earlier in the week. Side note: the blog will continue even though I'm in Austin now. It'll just be a bit less travel oriented I guess).